I remember it vividly—stumbling through my YouTube algorithm, my affection for poetry, music, and art quietly conspiring to place Kyle “Guante” Tran Myhre’s "Love in the Time of Undeath" at the top of my suggestions. His voice, gravelly and alive, delivered each word with a ferocity that felt like it was aimed directly at me. I tripped over every syllable, carried by its potency. In that moment, as I sat in a relationship with a new partner that felt more hollow than whole, it was as if the algorithm was whispering something I wasn’t ready to hear. 

Three years later, that same voice—raw and moody—resurfaced, this time underscoring a new dance track from a British laptop producer that slipped into my Spotify rotation like a ghost with a message. Three years on, and on the other side of that relationship, questioning the future. My lifelong obsession with curating music prickled with recognition. Before the song’s first chorus faded, I knew. I was among the first to hear it, to fall for it, to follow Fred again. And again. And again. And now, I have found you, and those words land more profoundly and more deeply now, each listen, knowing I have found my other half. Knowing how much more I wanted from love and from life, from Kyle's battle cry, his call to romantic arms.

Resonance isn’t just something we hear. It’s something we feel, as though the universe nudges us toward what we need before we even know we’re ready to listen.

there was one time i heard this and i didn’t feel like crying anymore. all the other times, i felt that loneliness hit me right in the chest. but this time, for the first time, with you i didn’t feel lost anymore. i didn’t even expect it, i just realised as this was playing and we were there together at the show that i felt like i finally found someone i could really belong with. i dont think i’d ever had that before. i looked at you and felt so happy, i think i squeezed your hand. thank you. 

        it’s an eleven minute drive, if i overtake and don’t get any red lights. it’s finally our day to see each other. i’ve been alone in my unit for the whole week, and now i can be with you again. i’m speeding, i don’t care. my sleepover bag spills open and over the passenger when i take the first corner. you’ll be the first person i’ve seen all week and the only one i want to see. i imagine feeling your warm, firm hug. i drive through the orange light. the few people on the streets wear medical masks.

the secret. the shame. the hiding. and all the fear inside. but the love, too. i felt so much of it. my love was bigger than all of that. it was big enough to envelop us both. so i listened to this but you were listening to scott street instead.

actual life 3

secret life

secret life had just come out, and i was in the hospital recovering from having surgery on my shoulder. high on all the painkillers, i had secret life on repeat and just let all the tears flow, for all the grief i didn't know i was keeping bottled up 

My heart hit by the flaps
Of magic butterflies if they could sing
I only wanted you to know
The second I’m reminded by the power
Of music that we loved
Wrapped around you under LED clouds
Bouncing on the bridge you love,
Watching kindred form,
Was the sunset to the clouds.
I need the world to be silent
I want to listen to you breathe
I want this moment again again again

where are you?

i’m sitting alone at the ten days listening party.

and it doesn’t make sense. it shouldn’t be like this. that i’m without you here. i’ll be okay. 
but yeah, it’s hard at first.

and you know, in the end it was better than okay.

 but still i came back home wondering.

where are you, now that you’re not with me?